For both kids and parents, divorce can be sad, confusing, and difficult to understand. Whether you and your spouse are contemplating divorce, or whether you need to explain the divorce of a family member, neighbor or friend, you may need parenting help for talking to your preschooler about divorce:
Keep it Simple and Clear
Preschoolers are concrete thinkers who tend to see the world in terms of how things affect their own daily activities. Some preschoolers may not have heard the word "divorce" and not have any idea what that means. Older preschoolers might be anxious and wonder if it means a child will lose one or both parents. Here are some ways to make the message simple and clear:
- Explain divorce means that the parents will be living in different places.
- Tell your child what will happen to them. Explain where they will be living and when they can expect to see each parent.
- If your preschooler has heard a lot of arguments, acknowledge that truth and explain that you are hoping this change will help everyone get along better.
- Answer questions as simply as possible, without getting into blame or reasons that the preschooler won't understand and doesn't need to know.
Communicate that Divorce is an Adult Problem
One normal stage of preschoolers is to see the world as revolving around themselves. Unfortunately, that can cause a preschooler to think that they are the cause of a parent's divorce. Misplaced guilt is common for younger children so one parenting help tip from divorce care professionals is to be sure you clearly explain to your child what is happening and who is responsible. It is important to convey messages like:
- Divorce is a grown-up problem when mommies and daddies make big mistakes and hurt each other.
- We are sorry this is hurting you.
- It is mommy's and daddy's fault, not yours.
- Mommy and daddy will live in different places but we will both always love you.
Act Together
One important parenting help idea from experts is to explain about the divorce together. Sitting down together at a time when your child is rested and you have plenty of time to talk is important. Sitting down together with your child expresses the message you want to convey that your child will still be safe, still be loved and that their emotions will be considered. When you talk:
- Wait until you are certain you are choosing to divorce. Saying you are "thinking" about a divorce will be confusing to children.
- Plan together ahead of time what you will say and how you will answer difficult questions.
- Keep to the basic facts about what will happen without getting into details about the adult reasons for the divorce.
- Choose tone and words carefully and avoid language that puts the blame on one spouse. Preschool children need to feel they can love both parents and not have to choose between them.
- Stress what will remain the same and the love you both feel for your child.
- If you child spends time with a grandparent, nanny or another adult on a regular basis, be sure that you talk to that person about how you would prefer they should talk to the child about the divorce.
It is All Right to Feel Sad
No matter how carefully and cordially a separation is done, feelings of anger, hurt, frustration, and sadness are natural for both adults and children. Changes are not easy to make and your child needs to know that is is all right to feel sadness and other emotions. Even though it may be difficult to hear your child's thoughts and feelings, it is very important to allow them to express their emotions. However, don't feel that you have to handle your child's emotions all by yourself.
- Let preschool teachers at Kids Konnect know what is happening in your family so that they can understand your child's feelings and help them to talk about them.
- Ask other friends and family members to spend special time with your child and ask questions that let them talk out their thoughts.
- To make sure your child is handling their feelings in a healthy way, you might consider having them talk with a professional counselor who specializes in children.
They are Safe and Loved
The most important thing? Continually remind your child through words and actions that they are important and they are loved. No parenting help can avoid the fact that divorce is difficult for everyone but by keeping your message positive and simple, you can make sure that the change is easier for your child. Do you have another parenting help tip for talking to preschoolers about divorce?